Hakusho Hamlet
by Keitorin Asthore
Summary: Basically the Yu Yu Hakusho cast badly mangles Hamlet. I don't know if it's really funny; tell me if it is. Well, anyways, it made my friends laugh.


Hamlet Prologue Hello! Welcome to the set of HakuHamlet! I'm Keiti, the director-slash- narrator-slash-referee.  
  
Yusuke: Hey! I thought that was Keiko's job!  
  
Keiko: Yusuke, you jerk! *slap*  
  
Yusuke: Oro.  
  
Kenshin: Isn't that my line?  
  
Kaoru: Actually, Kenshin, we have no lines. I'm the wardrobe girl, Megumi does makeup, Aoshi is the stage manager, Sano is the prop boy, Misao is the resident understudy, and Yahiko drives the chuck wagon.  
  
Kenshin: Eh.what do I do?  
  
You're my assistant. Come back here! *snaps his suspenders.*  
  
Kenshin: Oro!  
  
Kaoru: He's mine! You're worse than Megumi! *wails*  
  
Megumi: Thanks a lot, Raccoon Girl.  
  
Hiei: Can we just find out which roles are whose and get this thing over with?  
  
Yeesh, Hiei. You're so pushy. Anyway, here's the roles. The role of Claudius, King of Denmark, will be played by Chuu.  
  
Chuu: *hic*.what? *hic*  
  
Rinku: Just keep going. He gets like this sometimes.  
  
Eh.all right. Polonius, father of Ophelia and Laertes, will be played by Elder Toguro.  
  
Toguro: What about my hideously ugly and oddly effeminate younger brother?  
  
He got a better offer in the cast of the live-action Yu-Gi-Oh! Movie as Yugi's stunt double. Horatio, Hamlet's best friend, will be played by Karasu.  
  
Karasu: Does that mean I get my own ship?  
  
That would be Horatio Hornblower. Wrong Horatio. Laertes will be played by Hiei.  
  
Hiei: Hmph. Do I get to kill anyone?  
  
I think so. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern will be played by Yusuke and Kuwabara, respectively.  
  
Kuwabara: Did you hear that, Yukina-chan! I'm playing Gildersnort!  
  
*Yukina holds up little pennants saying "Go Kazuma-kun"*.  
  
Yusuke: Shouldn't Kurama play Rosencrantz? I mean, ROSE-encrantz?  
  
Be quiet. The three guards, Bernardo, Marcellus, and Francisco, will played by Shizuru, Keiko, and Shishiwakamaru.  
  
Shishi: I wanted to be a star! I wanna be Hamlet!  
  
Oh, don't be a drama queen, Shishi! I could always cast you as a wall instead, if you're not good.  
  
Shishi: Meep.  
  
The two clowns will be played by Genkai and Maruko.  
  
Genkai: Oh, this is fantastic. Can't I just beat up a clown instead?  
  
No! Bad Genkai!  
  
Genkai: It never hurts to ask.  
  
Gertrude, Queen of Denmark and the mother of Hamlet, will be played by Botan.  
  
Botan: GERTRUDE?!?!? Her name is GERTRUDE?!?!  
  
Shizuru: Sheesh. What kind of mother would name her child Gertrude?  
  
Genkai: The same kind of mother who would name her child Genkai.  
  
Shizuru: Point taken.  
  
Fortinbras, the prince of Norway, will be played by Koenma.  
  
Koenma: Typecasting. Yeesh.  
  
Be quiet, Koenma. Hamlet's father's ghost will be played by Puu.  
  
Puu: Puu!  
  
And for translation, we provide the services of Atsuko Yurimeshi.  
  
Yusuke: Mom? You can understand Puu? You?  
  
Atsuko: Duh. He says that he feels privileged to interpret the memorable role of Hamlet's deceased father.  
  
Yusuke: .  
  
Astuko: I might be paraphrasing.  
  
And for the lead female role, Ophelia. Yukina will play Hamlet's sweetheart and Laertes's little sister.  
  
Hiei: Gulp.  
  
Yukina: Hi, Hiei! You know, I've always wished I had a brother like you.  
  
Hiei: Erk.  
  
*Kurama and Yusuke snicker.*  
  
Stop that, Kurama! After all, you're playing Hamlet!  
  
Kurama: I am?  
  
Hiei and Karasu: He is?  
  
Kuwabara: I'm not?  
  
Yusuke: Oh, come on, Kuwabara. Did you honestly think you'd get the role of Hamlet?  
  
Kuwabara: Eh.yeah?  
  
Shizuru: Baby brother, you can barely speak English, much less Elizabethan English.  
  
Kuwabara: I talk real good English!  
  
Shizuru: See what I mean.  
  
Okay, you guys. We'll start production next week. Memorize your lines!  
  
Kaoru: And I'm going to start costume fittings. Let's see.I'll need Kurama, and Hiei, and Yusuke. *grins*  
  
Megumi: Oh, no, you don't. I already signed them up for makeup. C'mon, boys.  
  
Kaoru: Grr! Older women!  
  
Kenshin: Aren't you going to fight over me?  
  
You're mine, Samurai Boy! *snaps suspenders*.  
  
Kenshin: Oro.  
  
ACT ONE  
  
When we last left the cast of HakuHamlet, the casting had been announced, and for the most part, the cast was not happy. They're still not happy.  
  
Kurama: I'm wearing.tights. I don't like 'em.  
  
Karasu: I do! I do!  
  
Kurama: Ew! Bleck! Get away!  
  
Karasu: Come back, best friend! Bestest frieeeeend!  
  
*chases Kurama around the stage.*  
  
Shishi: I'll wear tights! I wanna be Hamlet!  
  
Kuwabara: Get in line. I wanna be Hamlet, so I can kiss Yukina!  
  
Hiei: Kiss.Yukina? Kiss.Yukina? *foams at the mouth* Kiss.YUKINA?!?  
  
Kurama: I promise I won't really kiss her! I promise! I promise! Eek! Don't hurt me, Hiei! I promise!  
  
Kuwabara: I don't!  
  
*Black fire surrounds Hiei's arm*  
  
STAGE MANAGER! AOSHI! GET OUT HERE! PLEASE!!!  
  
*Aoshi saunters out and stands next to Hiei, who reaches his knee.*  
  
Aoshi: Problem?  
  
Hiei: Eh.no.  
  
Aoshi: Okay.  
  
*Aoshi saunters backstage again.*  
  
Can we please get started?  
  
Keiko: I think the prop boy gave me the wrong spear.it's twice my height.and four times my width.  
  
Megumi: Mou, with Sano as the prop boy, I'm not surprised. That's his zanbatou.  
  
Shizuru: Really? I thought it was a pizza board.  
  
JUST GET STARTED ALREADY! We'll never make the deadline! *sweat drop*  
  
*Shizuru and Keiko take their places on the stage, set to look like a castle wall.*  
  
Shizuru: Who's out there?  
  
Keiko: Eh.me. Keiko.  
  
Your name's Marcellus!  
  
Keiko: Okay. It's me, Marcellus. Marcellus? And Botan thought Gertrude was bad.  
  
Karasu: Hey, y'all. It's Horatio.  
  
Shishi: Holla!  
  
Shizuru: Eh? Is that in the script?  
  
Shishi: Are you insinuating that I wouldn't follow the script?  
  
*Horns pop out on Shishi's forehead.*  
  
Shizuru: Noooo. I'm gonna go. If you want me, I'll be smoking backstage.  
  
Karasu: So, y'all been seeing a ghost out here?  
  
Shishi: Why are you talking like a hick?  
  
Karasu: I'm going to an audition for Gone With the Wind after this taping.  
  
Shishi: But I wanted to play Rhett!  
  
Karasu: I'm trying out for Scarlett.  
  
Shishi: In that case, never mind.  
  
*Sweatdrop* Can we stick to Hamlet, pretty please?  
  
Keiko: This pizza board is really really heavy.  
  
Karasu: Like I was saying, y'all been seeing a ghost lately?  
  
Keiko: Sit we down, and let Bernardo tell the tale.  
  
*Shishi takes center stage. Soujiro, the lights boy, holds the spotlight over him.*  
  
Shishi: Last night of all, when yond same star that's westward from the pole had made his course to illuminate that part of heaven where now it burns, Marcellus and myself, the bell than beating one-  
  
*Yumi, the sounds effects gal, rings a huge bell.*  
  
Shishi: SHE INTERRUPTED MY LINES!!!  
  
Yumi: Well, hey, I'm sexier than you are.  
  
Shishi: Oh. Let's go out!  
  
Yumi: Okay!  
  
Guys.  
  
Keiko: Peace! Shut up! Look where the ghost comes again!  
  
Shishi: It would be spoke to.  
  
Keiko: Question it, Horatio.  
  
Karasu: Stay! Speak! I charge y'all, speak!  
  
Keiko: Tis gone, and will not answer. Is it not like the King?  
  
Karasu: Y'all are right. We should tell Kuramlet his father is wanderin' the earth as a ghost.  
  
Keiko: Can he return to life?  
  
Shishi: I won't kiss him.  
  
Karasu: I'll tell Kuramlet tomorrow, at his pa's funeral.  
  
Keiko: Okay, this pizza board is way too heavy.  
  
*Keiko crashes to the floor.*  
  
Yusuke: KEIKO!  
  
*He runs onstage and throws the zanbatou offstage. It slams into the door of the prop room.*  
  
Sano: Eh? Hey, who found my zanbatou? I've been looking everywhere for it!  
  
Megumi: How could you lose that thing?  
  
Yusuke: Keiko's DEAD! Maybe if I kiss her she'll come back to life again!  
  
Keiko: Yusuke, you beast! *slap*  
  
Yusuke: Oro.  
  
Kenshin: He took my line AGAIN!  
  
Kaoru: As I said before, we have no lines. I'm quite bitter about that.  
  
You'll be in the next production. Where are all the people for scene two?!  
  
Megumi: Y'know, you're really uptight.  
  
Thank you. I think I'm getting gray hairs. SCENE TWO?!?!  
  
Chuu: Don't fret, mates. We're here.  
  
Botan: I'm.married.to.Chuu.natural.perkiness.fleeing.  
  
Chuu: Ain't it swell, darlin'?  
  
Botan: NO!  
  
Chuu: Oh, well.  
  
Kurama: Shouldn't you start your lines?  
  
Chuu: Sure.SON!  
  
Kurama: *shudders*  
  
Chuu: Though we're still grieving for Hamlet-  
  
Kurama: What? I'm dead?!  
  
Botan: Does that mean I can get out of this play and escort him to Spirit World? Please, please, please?!?!  
  
No! Stay, Botan! Please! We don't want Misao to be the queen!  
  
Misao: I heard that! KENCHO KICK!!!  
  
*Aoshi picks up Misao and slings her over his shoulder.*  
  
Aoshi: Misao, it's a very bad thing to threaten the director.  
  
Yes! Anyway, Kuramlet is not dead. His father's name is Hamlet too.  
  
Botan: Bingo! Then we call Kurama Hamlet Kuramlet so we don't get him confused with Hamlet, so Kuramlet is the son of Hamlet.*goes cross-eyed.*  
  
Koenma: Can't we call him Kohamlet?  
  
Yusuke: That just sounds.odd.  
  
Koenma: Well, Kuramlet sounds like a breakfast dish!  
  
Kurama: Eh.I think the director is taking Prozac.  
  
Chuu: Well, back to my LINES.Though we're still grieving over Hamlet's death, I'm marrying his wife-  
  
Botan: I'm Kurama's mother?! Ooh, that ought to be nice.  
  
Kurama: But you're not my REAL kaa'san!!!  
  
Botan: Close enough.  
  
Chuu: Erk.okay, well, one of the reasons I'm marrying my sister-in-law is because this puny little upstart Fortinbras will probably find this a real chipper time to attack Denmark.  
  
Kuwabara: This takes place in Denmark?  
  
Koenma: Puny little upstart? Hey, wait a minute.  
  
Yusuke: If this takes place in Denmark, shouldn't we have Danish accents?  
  
Yusuke and Kuwabara: Hello, I am the Svede who vhent up zhe heel an' came down wif all zhe straw-bay-ries.  
  
Keiko: You're not Swedish!  
  
Yusuke: Sh!  
  
Chuu: Look, mates, I'm trying to do my lines here? Anyway, where was I?.brother dead, marrying his wife, puny upstart.okay. Laertes! Where's Laertes? I need to talk to him.  
  
Hiei: No! No way, Yukina! I'm not going out there!  
  
Yukina: Yes, you are! And not even your little black dragon beamy thing will stop me from getting you out there!  
  
Kuwabara: Sheesh. They really do act like brother and sister.  
  
Yusuke and Kurama: .  
  
*Yukina delivers a swift kick in the seat of the pants to Hiei, who comes flying out of the wings and crashes against the footlights.*  
  
Soujiro: Ack! My lights!  
  
Hiei: Ack! My eyes! All three of them!  
  
Chuu: So, Laertes. Your father said you wanted to talk to me?  
  
Hiei: My father?  
  
Toguro: Yo.  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Toguro: What an ungrateful son you are. No "Hi, Dad!"s, no smiles, no hugs.can I have a hug, son?  
  
Hiei: I don't do hugs.  
  
Yukina: Since I'm playing your sister, Hiei-san, that might change.  
  
Hiei: Erk.  
  
Chuu: So, Laertes, what's up?  
  
Hiei: *grumbles* I want to go to France. *mutters to himself* Why France? Of all places!  
  
Chuu: Have you your father's leave? What says Polonius?  
  
Toguro: He hath wring from me my slow leave. Upon his will I seal'd my hard consent.  
  
Chuu: Come again?  
  
Toguro: He can go.  
  
Chuu: Okay. Well, have fun in France, Laertes.  
  
Hiei: Hn.  
  
*He stalks off.*  
  
Yukina: Where are you going?  
  
Hiei: France.  
  
Yukina: Not literally, Hiei!  
  
Hiei: Au revoir, ma petite soeur!  
  
Yusuke and Kurama: .  
  
Yukina: I don't speak French. What did Hiei-san say?  
  
Kurama: Eh.we don't speak French either!  
  
Chuu: Hey, Kuramlet!  
  
Kurama: What?  
  
Chuu: You look depressed.  
  
Botan: Why are you still dressed in black, sweetie? Your father's dead, gone, and buried.  
  
Kurama: Did you call me.sweetie?  
  
Botan: I'm playing your kaa'san. Live with it.  
  
Kurama: Okay!  
  
Chuu: It's very nice that you're still mourning your late lamented daddy-  
  
Botan: Sniff. Sniff.  
  
Chuu: But, you must know, your father lost a father, that father lost, lost his, and the survivor bound in filial obligation for some term. But to persever in obstinate condolement is a course of impious stubbornness; 'tis unmanly grief, it shows a will most incorrect. *sweat drop* I need to sit down.  
  
Botan: What your uncle-slash-stepfather is trying to say, precious, is that you're making us- especially me, your kaa'san- very worried.  
  
Kurama: I don't mean to worry you, Mum. I'll try to obey you.  
  
Chuu: See, that's a loving and fair reply! Madam, come. This gentle and unforced accord of Kuramlet sits smiling in my heart. Come away.  
  
*Chuu and Botan exit. Chuu tries to take her hand, but she smacks him with the baseball bat she hid under her skirt.*  
  
Chuu: Oro.  
  
Kenshin: EVERYBODY'S TAKING MY LINE!!!  
  
Sit down, Kenni.  
  
Kenshin: But it's my line! *cries* No one takes me seriously because I look somewhat girlish.  
  
Kurama: I hear ya!  
  
You can have a support meeting after you finish your monologue, Kurama-kun.  
  
Kurama: Okay, okay.  
  
*He takes the center stage. Soujiro runs around frantically with the lights.*  
  
Kurama: Oooooooooh, that this too, too, too.LINE!  
  
Too, too sullied flesh. SULLIED FLESH! Did you memorize your lines, Kurama? Please tell me you didn't forget to memorize your lines!  
  
Kurama: Okay.I won't tell you.  
  
That sounds like something Yusuke would do! That's so not like you, Kurama!  
  
Kurama: I've always wanted to be a punk.  
  
But Hamlet isn't a punk. You can go be punkish AFTER you finish the show.  
  
Kurama: *sigh*.okay. O, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt and resolve itself into a dew.  
  
Yusuke: *turns green.*  
  
Kuwabara: Are you okay, Yusuke?  
  
Yusuke: Melting.flesh.*blaugh.*  
  
Kuwabara: Ew.you could have at least missed my shoes.  
  
Kurama: Okay, I'm done with my monologue! Now can I go be a punk?  
  
No, because you still have several dozen scenes to do.  
  
Kurama: Darnit!  
  
*sigh.* Unfortunately, due to my awful AP homework, we'll have to get this done later. Go be a punk, Kurama dear.*  
  
Kurama: Yippee Skippee! I'm a PUNK! 


End file.
